Sunday, March 24, 2013

September 2011--Visit to Nantes

You have to write everything. Even the things that are such an intrinsic part of you that you don't think of writing them down.
I understand that girl who wanted to fulfill her drea of being the youngest person to sail around the world. It is better than live a long life. She can die or she can live, content, happy it doesn't matter but fulfilled with the knowledge that she has fulfilled her dream! She did what makes her special what set her apart and that is what makes her important, what fills her life with meaning and joy, even if that is the end of her life. It makes sense.
"He'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy!"

23-09-11 Go to Nantes, see Vincent et Kimberly et mes cousins.
Arrived. Took the Bikelow. First time ridig a bike since I was 13! It really is just like riding a bike!
Went to a free FNAC concert with Kimberly "Back Pack Jax".
Saw Black or White, are lunch there.
Walked around town. Went to the chateau, went to the Lu, went to expo. Went to a vintage store.
Had dinner.
Book Pensées de Pascal.






Saturday went to an expo of a friend of Kimberly and Vincent (Nicole) saw paintings, the museaum, musee des Beaux Arts. Saw an expo on architecture.
Home big lunch together around 3:00.
Went to ride a bike around town.
Saw a galerie des glaciers Anne Smith.
Saw the outside of Petits Marais but there was no one in there.
Ile de Versailles where it's possible to rent canoes.
Photos of the water sunset.
Left the house around quarter to 8.












Vincent is now my favorite uncle! I really like Vincent! He is such an amazing man, admire his intelligence and his wit, and I see alot of similarities between us. 6 December Birthday is close to mine, that's why. 

Kimberly: "Je comprends tout à fait. D'être capable de donner, quand toute ta vie il avait fallu demander, c'est le plus grand plaisir du monde."

Money sometimes CAN buy happiness. Not love. But then love isn't happiness. 
Happiness is meek, douce. 
Love s forceful, passionate, vengeful, jealous, and can cause you to do things you never would have dreamed of.
 




I tried discribing the house to them before I left, how beautiful it would look at Christmas time. The shining baubles that were already there, turned silver and the background white. It was all so lovely and crazy. Sebastien showd me pictures, there were two od them, showing exactly what I had imagined.

It was then that I knew that I had to be a writer. I had to explore the world of impossibilites, the things nobody else saw.



i just heard a noise again in my carton a dessin bag that i had bleached
so i just threw it out the window
it was broken anyways
i'm really tired...
i'm starting school tommorow
i was exhausted when i came back from nantes
i've been sleeping the last two days
today i got up and about
i'm worried
but what to do
i got some wheat germ and oat bran to add to my healthy diet
i was just really unable to do anything the last 2 days
there are still quite a few things i didn't get to do...
i just hope i can do them after school
i'm losing touch with all my friends in south africa, its making me really sad
good friends are irreplaceable
they won't answer me
i've contacted them
i'm sure they're busy and they have their own lives and all
anyways

25-09-11  I'm too curious to commit suicide. I'm thinking it will be black and nothing, I want to see what will happen next in life first.

*****

Everything is so hard. I'm so tired and weak. I can't keep living like this. I'm so tired I can't do anything. I'm too sick. There is no way for me to live.
I love life, but I can't live it. I don't even have the option of being a burden on my family.
I'll go as long as I can, but if it becomes clear I am not getting better, I am going to remove myself before I fail school, get kicked out of my apartment.
I am not mentally ill. I am so physically weak and tired that I cannot live my life.
I cannot support myself, I cannot do well in school, I can't even have fun. What is the point?

28-09-11 Instead of a gun, I bought wheatgerm and bran. I want to get healthy again.

*****

Ce pays est tellement beau!

September 2011--Mouse adventure


18-09-11 there is a mouse in my house I'm sure of it it's horrible, I'm recleaning everything with bleach and I read peppermint oil should keep them away as they don't like the smell. I am mystified how one got in.
I guess I'm living in the country now.
I felt something last night crawling under my mattress or it might have been under my pillow
I woke up freaked out, but there was nothing I could do until morning
Everything was closed on Sunday, so I couldn't buy anything to get rid of it
There's this big drawer under my bed, very practical, but it has two holes instead of handles, and then the plank where my mattress sits is full of air holes
So I'm freaked out
I sprayed everything with bleach and window cleaner
I read online that the ammonia in window cleaner they can't stand
It will have to do for tonight
It got all the way into my top kitchen cupboard and left teeth marks in my crackers that were open. I had to throw them out.
Thank goodness most everything else was well shut and sealed.
I still cleaned everything.
The worst is my bed, I can't wash my sheets, I just hope hope hope and pray it wasn't actually on my bed but under.
Yesterday was the first day I cooked
The smell of the food must have attracted them
I don't want to cook anymore, I'm going to have to live off of the restaurants universitaires
I want to wait until the mice are gone to finish unpacking, otherwise to avoid taking it all out again if the mice come back
Anyways
I don't know if I can sleep tonight

19-09-11 I booked my ticket for Nantes, it was 14,50 aller retour. Not tgv, but I won't be going there every weekend
There is some kind of additional student pass for getting around Maine et loire, I need to look into it, although I don't know if it will come out any cheaper than with the student card I have now

I think I found out where the mice are coming from, there is an air vent right above the top kitchen cupboards
My tummy hurts I hope that's not why
I didn't think they would have them in France

I think I'm a bit murophobic
I can't stand even the thought of mice

mom says she dreamed about me all night that she was coming to visit me

They responded immediately
Sent someone right away
They couldn't understand me say souris at first
I had to talk to 4 different people before they got it
Rat is even worse with the way I say the r
The guy asked about my bags, if it came in my bag with me
I was shocked
But I realized I don't know where they have been with sncf for 5 days
Between the time they picked them up and delivered
Well I'm not unpacking till I get a trap
I havent checked everything yet for damages
All my art
Ahhhhhhhh
I hâte mice

20-09-11 Mouse hasn't come back, but I'm not surprised, I flooded my house with moth balls
I put them on the plank under my mattress, put window lean around my bed, and slept through the night
There is poison out if it comes back it should eat it.

Bought cards for D., Mai and Pepe.
Went to Pizza and Board Games, anglophone night at the English Library. Met a lovely British lady from Angers/England.
Asked Liz about small job offers.
I don't fit in with small town people.

Grand-Mère, quel savon utilises-tu? Tes draps, la couverture d'oreiller que tu m'as donnée, sentent si bon; ça me fait me souvenir de toi et de grand-père et des nuits que j'ai passées chez vous.

21-09-11  After my graphic design, I'm going to get a degree in law.
Looking back is always painful. There is always something that you could have done better, something that you would have never dreamed of doing.
I'm just reveling in the silence. It calms my soul. It is better than music to my ears right now.

22-09-11
I killed the mouse yesterday! Told belle veille the mouse is killed. I told them its possible it was in my bag sncf had delivered as i found a bitten hole in two bags. Asked them to help set up traps if i hear un bruit, je vais leur dire, ils vont faire une deratisation.
I have to wash all my clothes, and discinfect my papers the best I can
I'm going to get sncf to pay damages. I paid for insurance.

***
We shouldn't teach "make the best of your circumstances" instead we should make the best circumstances  we can to replace the bad ones we have.

I love beautiful things, getting something I've always wanted for a long time, waiting and finding and getting exactly what I want. I want every detail of my life to be this way!

September 2011--Move to Angers!

1-09-11 Damn I'm not sick again. I know what it is I was sneezed on 3 times this week by snotty children. I caught the flu, because my immune system is low after just being sick, and being tired.



2-09-11 Ok I just called Dr Chabrol, she said if I can come right away for them to hospitalise me for a couple days, so they can do blood tests to see if it's the same thing again. I'm going now, I think I'll take a taxi, as I can't take any dollypran before going there. I'll let Mai know I won't be able to see her, so problem solved.
It's good they took me in right away, and they are going to do the tests. That means I am being looked after. Meme should worry less than if I was sick at home.

Ok there is rien de grave, they don't think it is the same thing again. They think I have a little virus or a cold, that I got from somewhere. But they are doing the blood tests to be sure.

3-09-11 Good morning, I have no fever today, feeling better, just waiting to see the doctor again.

4-09-11 When I go to Italy, send a postcard to my grandparents. Make Christmas cards every year for grandparents, Vincent and family, D. and family, Mylene. Ink blots this year.

7-09-11 I extended my ticket, so I would have the time to pack. I'm going to spend the weekend with pepe and meme before leaving. My train is at 12h00 on Tuesday.
Sncf is coming to pick up my bags Friday afternoon.
And will deliver them to me Wednesday morning
I'm fine. I was tired Sunday night and Monday, but yesterday I was fine, I got a thank you gift for Mai, to say thank you for getting me into the hospital.

8-09-11 Contact phoebe to ask about coming to visit. Contact cazzie, contact mari. Contact Tasha, contact carole.
Next year

Dr Chabrol prescribed me some vitamins. Magnesium I think is in it.
So I'm taking those and Vitamin c, and eating an orange a day
It's so cold here, summer is really over
I still have so much to pack...
I don't know how I'm going to fit everything, dishes wise
I wish I could vacuum pack
The quilt takes up a whole bag almost

11-09-11 Write Anne rochette. I want to meet her. After reading about her work.

Last pic taken Porte des Lilas!
10-09-11 Last night in the appartment with Stephy.

11-09-11 Going to Pepe and Meme's house for a couple days.
Everything is better after some sleep!

12-09-11 I took a taxi to Antony...that way I took the degraffeuse that D. had lent. Meme and Pepe are very sweet, very understanding. They want to come with me to montparnasse tomorow to see me off.
D. and Mai came over for a drink and to say goodbye
Gave Mai a little present (rose tea, candle) hand made card.

Everyone knows that I'm no longer eating meat.

Describe yourself: I am the blank piece in scrabble, I can be anything.

13-09-11 My grand-parents are the most wonderful grand-parents, the most wonderful people in the world! They paid for the taxi, they bought me a sandwitch, they came with me to the train stationm left at 10 to 12, waved goodbye,
Trip to Angers: What if the brown cows (they must have been) had been lions--a field of lions, how about that? A field of cows, black and white, filled me with as much excitement as if I was seeing Lord of the Rings come to life. It was the world of my picture books that I never saw in reality. Europe was as strange and wonderful a place as if it had been Narnia.
And the feeling intensifies/continues as I go into Angers, the buildings, the shops, the streets. I am living my own fairytale.

Angers

There are the same names all over France!

14-09-11 I am living my own fairytale. My apartment is beautiful. I can’t believe i live here! –




15-09-11 Called EDF, A technician will come. I will have electricity today!
Do a little victory dance! Whoop, woop!

Everyone just seems so happy here. It's contagious. Not like Paris.

I found the English library! Right near the arret Moliere.

The novelty is wearing off, it's lonely, but lonely is good, because it keeps me busy.

17-09-11 D. a dit: "On se demande si on ne les pousse pas vers les arts quand même". Parce que là, Kim a fait une école d'art, sa fille, le fils de Vincent, Gabriel, veut faire de l'art; et moi je vais en faire. I laughed so hard once I got it.

****
I realized I never gave a card to D. to thank him for the bed and everything he did. I mean I thanked him in person, but not with a present like I did for Mai.
Pepe counseled me to send him a little card... But I'm wondering if its a bit late now..
And if a postcard from angers is a good idea...
I had made a card for Mai
But i don't know if it matters if I make one or buy one

I just read such a lovely book
Robert des noms propres
Amelie nothomb a Belgian author
It didn't end so well, but it was about a little girl who enters l'ecole des petits rats
It really makes me think all top French schools are very sadistic
It says how they completely took out the joy of dance, c'etait comme un écrivan forcé de ne pas écrire et d'étudier la grammaire sans discontinuer
Anorexia is the teachers ideal for a ballerina
in the story, it works against her because she stops eating anything with calcium even yoghurt. And after two years, she breaks her hip getting out of bed, because her bones are so weak, and she is told she can never dance again
The ending gets even worse...but it was a nice story for most of it
There is a new movie about ballet
But she goes insane at the end, after achieving her dream of being the leading swan in lac des cygnes
All very tragic
I thought it was a well made movie... But I don't think everyone would like it
It's a thriller

I know where to go now to get internet
There is free WiFi at the Bibliotheque anglophone
I'm so happy, membership was free for me too for one year
it will be nice to have access to an English library too
They do events anglophone and stuff too, might be nice for meeting people. Or finding people that want to learn English

I am sleeping 12 hours a night again
Un peu trop...but maybe I need it
I want to be all rested up before school starts
and start exercising a bit, even walking
I was tired again after these last fevers, not like before, but still a bit tired
I'm going to rent a bike
I saw a place where they loan them for free
I'm a bit far from EEGP. I haven't gone there yet to time it
I know I have to take the tram and then a bus
I got a card, 240 for the year 12 months
Cheaper than doing it month by month
bus trams all
I'm in the north on the outskirts of angers
I need to find some shops or a market in my area, but so far I haven't found anything
I did some shopping at a lidl way across the opposite side of town
But I don't want to have to go there every time
I need to make friends with someone from my building so I can find out how they do it
I saw there is a tennis club around the area of my school. Maybe I can go there a couple times a week. I need to see what bons plans they have for students
when I arrived they gave me some booklets that helped
But it doesn't have for ordinary things like shopping and markets
It's fun to figure it out though...and get to know a city
Everything just takes longer in the beginning
I got a map, but its not very detailed


I had a funny dream last night
It's special, because I don't dream much anymore, but every so often I'll get a really vivid interesting dream
Part of it was I was taking photos of the sea, I was somehow flying over the sea, but then something happened and gravity caught up with me and I fell low enough for a shark to bite my arm
I was so worried about my camera getting wet
And I saw to my great delight that I had gotten a great close up photo of the shark's face right before he bit me
And then I could pass out in peace, knowing I had gotten this exceptional photo
I was taken to the hospital
And I think my camera was dried out
And then other things happened
Julie had dried my camera, and she had all these really nice clothes
Actually it was Uncle jim's fault I fell
He wanted to see the specks on my camera and was trying to grab it from me, and I was trying to get away from him and I lost my concentration
People from the ash home were in my dream
If only I could fly
I thought it meant I would do anything to get a good photo
Well I'm planning to go to a gun shop to take photos for my summer assignment--Territory
One view point was how we defend territory
its due for the rentree

I have a lot of interests
I think I will write a book one day
If I can just not forget anything, I have so much material
I wish I had my notes from when I lived in Congo
South Africa too
I think I threw it away
I gave meme my shoe, the Louis xvi
And she was like oh you need to continue, its so good
Maybe as a hobby I can do sculpture
It's a shame I didn't get to meet Anne Rochette
Maybe in the future

I'm glad I have such a caring mother